Tag Archives: Humor

The Wicked Witch Still Lives and Other Nonsense


Other Titles – “The Wizard Deserves Credit for this, Not Dorothy.” “The House Never Fell on WWE (Wicked Witch bin East)” “Dorothy Is Actually From Oklahoma.”

Let’s talk about delusions.

On May 1st, 2011 Barack Obama announced that US special forces had killed Osama bin Laden. Then a few things happened:

America lost its collective mind.

My friend Dustin went to the spontaneous party in front of the White House and got himself quoted by CNN.

The internet immediately began to argue whether this was Obama or Bush’s victory.

A bunch of people decided it was fake.

Now, that last one, at first, seems pretty plausible. The official story is that a team of hyper-elite Navy SEAL murder-dudes got into a stealth helicopter and flew over half of Pakistan to jump into Osama bin Laden’s home a few miles from the Pakistani Westpoint and murder the living shit out of him. They then snatched his body, left his wives and children behind, and flew to an aircraft carrier; where they threw his body in the ocean before presumably drinking some celebratory “we-killed-an-evil-son-of-a-bitch” beers.

Now, to be fair, this is pretty ripe for someone to get crazy. I mean… we refuse to post the pictures of a guy we’ve been spending billions to kill after we kill him. The less than 24 hours before disposal thing is not helpful either. But let’s consider a few things.

1)      If Osama bin Laden was not dead, he would be pretty keen on letting us know we just murdered the crap out of some innocent six-foot tall Arab dialysis patient. You know, prove how freaking dumb Americans are. That kind of thing was one of his favorites.

2)      Al-Qaeda has gone ahead and said “yeah, they bullet-fucked our leader in the head.” That may be paraphrasing on my part. Regardless, some dudes in the world’s most hated terrorist organization have come out and said OBL (as people call him now) is dead.

3)      Barack Obama is president of the United States. Getting to that position requires a team of extremely intelligent, capable, and politically savvy individuals. These same individuals would not risk OBL revealing their spoof. They would also not blow such a huge “victory” at such a bad time. If Obama and his team could have picked a time for this to happen, it would have been in September of next year, when the election is looming and the Republicans would have no time to rebuke it. As it is, by next September people will forget who OBL is because this is America and we are stupid.

I’m fairly certain that Osama bin Laden is dead. Not because I’m Obama’s guy, which I will admit I am. (Politics doesn’t blind me, I voted for Bush in ’04* and I still was free to admit the WMDs were bullshit). I just listed the reasons why. But they don’t matter because crazy people gunna be crazy. Facts don’t get in the way of the insane. Just listen to any ardent Communist or Libertarian. They will skip gleefully from abject denial to heartfelt-bullshit in their desire to get you to understand why they are right. It’d be funnier if it wasn’t so scary.

Bottom line, everyone is a little crazy. I honestly still believe I will find a meaningful, lifelong marriage at some point… even though the odds are not at all in my favor there. Mitt Romney thinks people will believe his bullshit about Universal Healthcare. And Glenn Beck just kept on trucking till the end. The difference between me and Glenn Beck is that my crazy doesn’t hurt anyone.

Osama bin Laden is dead. Whether you think it’s appropriate to dance in the streets at this news or not you should probably use properly attributed copy-pasta quotes. And also understand that it’s true.

*yeah, I’m embarrassed about it too…


Across Face and Time

23 Sep

Facial hair, like so much about adulthood, was exciting and awesome for about two weeks. Then you realize that really it’s just another chore, and one that everyone can tell you’re shirking (unlike, say, cleaning your room). At least it can still look good when everyone knows you’re shirking.

I grew up a straight razor guy, as my parents would buy me disposable razors. I was fifteen when I started needing to shave. No matter what he make think, every fifteen year old dude needs to shave. It never, ever looks good at that age. I realized this. For like… a year.

Then came the dark times. They are called that cause I sort of emotionally imploded and jumped off the deep end. At least, that’s the official story. It may actually be the embarrassment of me trying to grow a chin beard. It is a universal law of men’s facial hair that the one type of facial hair they want will be the absolute last one to come in. For me, it was the goatee.

I couldn’t grow a moustache to save my life, and my chin had a bald patch SMACK IN THE MIDDLE. It looked like someone had come buy with an electric trimmer and just took a chunk out in the middle. Yet, with a stubbornness only a sixteen year old boy can manage, I kept trying to grow it out. Whereas most teenage boys have that dusting of dark hair under their nose that makes them look like they’ve been huffing coa-coa powder, I had an unsightly group of hairs clinging to my chin like dying trees on the tundra. Pathetic.

Eventually I abandoned the chin beard. I had sideburns for a while, and those were cool. In fact, since leaving for college I have tried most of the normal facial hair styles. I’ve had a full beard, the strip, moustaches, horseshoes, and even the Franz Josef (which made the ex literally gag). Generally I have worn what most call the “gruff stubble” which is universal for “lazy.” It’s the five day shadow you see most college guys rocking.

A few weeks ago, I tried it again. I tried the chin beard. My goatee is actually full enough now that when I have one, I shave it back some so that it looks refined instead of like I want to join Shinedown. I figured why not. I always wanted it.


Let me tell you, what was so cool when I was all pseudo-goth/alterna-rock/emo is not as cool when I’m a grown adult most of his way out of those kind of stereotypes. I looked like an MLB pitcher thrown into some hipster clothes. It was ridiculous.

I’m back to the trim goatee now. It helps me cope with my weak chin (which isn’t actually very weak now that I’m trimming off the fat). I think I look good. I certainly look better than I did with the chin beard. It’s been a great lesson that I shouldn’t do the things I wanted to but couldn’t at eighteen.

Who knew?