Tag Archives: cleaning


29 Jun

Sometimes, in my more lucid moments, I wonder how the hell I have lived this long.

I forget damn near everything I’m supposed to do. I can tell you, with an embarrassed smile and a hint of pride, that the main gun on T-80 tank is 125 mm. I can recall that about a million years before Homo Sapiens emerged, the Mediterranean was a super-heated, lifeless abyss devoid of water. I can even have a full discussion about which classical general is my favorite (either Belisaurius or Xenophon).

But I’ll be damned if I can remember that I planned to take out the trash today.

That’s the kind of scope I have had to put these things in. Taking out the trash, an activity that on the long end consumes, say, five minutes. I have had to block out a 24 hour period to get that done, because that way there is at least a chance I would remember it within the set time.

How the hell do I eat? Unless I’m with other people, it’s honestly kind of a crap-shoot.

“Alright Mike, we are going to eat healthily, because you’re tired of that embarrassing gut,” says my good side.

“Alright, I’m on board,” my bad side says absently. “Bitches love flat stomachs.”

But when, at an appropriate time to eat, my good side says, “Alright, let’s get a salad.”

My bad side responds, “Bro, Facebook. We need to hit refresh at least thirty more times. And look at all of the Wikipedia here. LOOK AT IT ALL. Are we just going to sit there and let it not get known? What is one salad in the face of all human knowledge?”

My bad side is an incredibly manipulative prick. My good side? A bitch. So two hours later, famished, I run from the article on human rights abuses during the Falkland’s Island War, microwave three hot dogs, and then run upstairs like I’m afraid history is somehow going to be different if I don’t get up there RIGHT NOW.

It’s been pathetic, and it’s always just a matter of will power. I am getting better. I clean sometimes, without getting yelled at. At times I am overtaken with the very adult realization that I live in a hive of scum and villainy, and that I should do something about it. Sometimes I even do it RIGHT THEN. I’ll say “this is disgusting,” and spend and hour cleaning up the stacks of empty soda and booze bottles, paper plates, and fast food bags my friends and I have left in the living room.

But often I just don’t notice the mess. There is so much crap going on up in my head. How in the hell do I remember to do the dishes when I am giving an earnest go at solving the budget crisis. Never mind I CAN’T solve the budget crisis. I say to myself that in the long run it is a more noble expenditure of my time to contemplate solving all the world’s problems than cleaning my apartment.

This is not a case of my suffering from crippling genius, as anyone who knows me will tell you that I am quasi-functional at best and a slack-jawed idiot most of the time. This is a case of me simply not having my priorities. That is to say I don’t prioritize much, I just do what is the most intellectually stimulating thing at the moment.

This has definitely gotten better. I now have a list:

1)      School

2)      Work

3)      Get In Shape

4)      Everything Else A Human Being Does

This list is not perfect. I’m sure you can see where there are holes in it (where is the booze priority Mike, hmm?) But it’s getting there. It’s just really, REALLY hard. Doing things when they need to be done, instead of when I feel like doing them, is something I should have started learning when I was twelve. To be fair, I was reading about String Theory when I was twelve, so it’s not like I completely wasted that time. I know how to learn. This is just one more thing I need to learn. And I am learning it.

Until I’m finished learning it though, I’m going to look like a bum and have to set three different alarms to remind me to check on the laundry.