Across Face and Time

23 Sep

Facial hair, like so much about adulthood, was exciting and awesome for about two weeks. Then you realize that really it’s just another chore, and one that everyone can tell you’re shirking (unlike, say, cleaning your room). At least it can still look good when everyone knows you’re shirking.

I grew up a straight razor guy, as my parents would buy me disposable razors. I was fifteen when I started needing to shave. No matter what he make think, every fifteen year old dude needs to shave. It never, ever looks good at that age. I realized this. For like… a year.

Then came the dark times. They are called that cause I sort of emotionally imploded and jumped off the deep end. At least, that’s the official story. It may actually be the embarrassment of me trying to grow a chin beard. It is a universal law of men’s facial hair that the one type of facial hair they want will be the absolute last one to come in. For me, it was the goatee.

I couldn’t grow a moustache to save my life, and my chin had a bald patch SMACK IN THE MIDDLE. It looked like someone had come buy with an electric trimmer and just took a chunk out in the middle. Yet, with a stubbornness only a sixteen year old boy can manage, I kept trying to grow it out. Whereas most teenage boys have that dusting of dark hair under their nose that makes them look like they’ve been huffing coa-coa powder, I had an unsightly group of hairs clinging to my chin like dying trees on the tundra. Pathetic.

Eventually I abandoned the chin beard. I had sideburns for a while, and those were cool. In fact, since leaving for college I have tried most of the normal facial hair styles. I’ve had a full beard, the strip, moustaches, horseshoes, and even the Franz Josef (which made the ex literally gag). Generally I have worn what most call the “gruff stubble” which is universal for “lazy.” It’s the five day shadow you see most college guys rocking.

A few weeks ago, I tried it again. I tried the chin beard. My goatee is actually full enough now that when I have one, I shave it back some so that it looks refined instead of like I want to join Shinedown. I figured why not. I always wanted it.


Let me tell you, what was so cool when I was all pseudo-goth/alterna-rock/emo is not as cool when I’m a grown adult most of his way out of those kind of stereotypes. I looked like an MLB pitcher thrown into some hipster clothes. It was ridiculous.

I’m back to the trim goatee now. It helps me cope with my weak chin (which isn’t actually very weak now that I’m trimming off the fat). I think I look good. I certainly look better than I did with the chin beard. It’s been a great lesson that I shouldn’t do the things I wanted to but couldn’t at eighteen.

Who knew?

One Response to “Across Face and Time”

  1. lordredhand September 24, 2010 at 1:17 am #

    Wow who knew that growing a beard would be something of epic lols…

    Myself I’ve had an easy time growing facial hair in though my reasons were more based on French Military History than more of rebellion… you know sign of bravery and honor all that fun jazz.

    I keep it now just because honestly it makes me look older and according to one former co-worker, I looked better with one.

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