Other Titles – “The Wizard Deserves Credit for this, Not Dorothy.” “The House Never Fell on WWE (Wicked Witch bin East)” “Dorothy Is Actually From Oklahoma.”
Let’s talk about delusions.
On May 1st, 2011 Barack Obama announced that US special forces had killed Osama bin Laden. Then a few things happened:
America lost its collective mind.
My friend Dustin went to the spontaneous party in front of the White House and got himself quoted by CNN.
The internet immediately began to argue whether this was Obama or Bush’s victory.
Now, that last one, at first, seems pretty plausible. The official story is that a team of hyper-elite Navy SEAL murder-dudes got into a stealth helicopter and flew over half of Pakistan to jump into Osama bin Laden’s home a few miles from the Pakistani Westpoint and murder the living shit out of him. They then snatched his body, left his wives and children behind, and flew to an aircraft carrier; where they threw his body in the ocean before presumably drinking some celebratory “we-killed-an-evil-son-of-a-bitch” beers.
Now, to be fair, this is pretty ripe for someone to get crazy. I mean… we refuse to post the pictures of a guy we’ve been spending billions to kill after we kill him. The less than 24 hours before disposal thing is not helpful either. But let’s consider a few things.
1) If Osama bin Laden was not dead, he would be pretty keen on letting us know we just murdered the crap out of some innocent six-foot tall Arab dialysis patient. You know, prove how freaking dumb Americans are. That kind of thing was one of his favorites.
2) Al-Qaeda has gone ahead and said “yeah, they bullet-fucked our leader in the head.” That may be paraphrasing on my part. Regardless, some dudes in the world’s most hated terrorist organization have come out and said OBL (as people call him now) is dead.
3) Barack Obama is president of the United States. Getting to that position requires a team of extremely intelligent, capable, and politically savvy individuals. These same individuals would not risk OBL revealing their spoof. They would also not blow such a huge “victory” at such a bad time. If Obama and his team could have picked a time for this to happen, it would have been in September of next year, when the election is looming and the Republicans would have no time to rebuke it. As it is, by next September people will forget who OBL is because this is America and we are stupid.
I’m fairly certain that Osama bin Laden is dead. Not because I’m Obama’s guy, which I will admit I am. (Politics doesn’t blind me, I voted for Bush in ’04* and I still was free to admit the WMDs were bullshit). I just listed the reasons why. But they don’t matter because crazy people gunna be crazy. Facts don’t get in the way of the insane. Just listen to any ardent Communist or Libertarian. They will skip gleefully from abject denial to heartfelt-bullshit in their desire to get you to understand why they are right. It’d be funnier if it wasn’t so scary.
Bottom line, everyone is a little crazy. I honestly still believe I will find a meaningful, lifelong marriage at some point… even though the odds are not at all in my favor there. Mitt Romney thinks people will believe his bullshit about Universal Healthcare. And Glenn Beck just kept on trucking till the end. The difference between me and Glenn Beck is that my crazy doesn’t hurt anyone.
Osama bin Laden is dead. Whether you think it’s appropriate to dance in the streets at this news or not you should probably use properly attributed copy-pasta quotes. And also understand that it’s true.
*yeah, I’m embarrassed about it too…